Note 2 self

Just because you did things you wouldn't expect from yourself doesn't mean you are a different person from who you thought you were
Disillusionment and reality checks and all are gr8 but it is too easy to surrender responsibility by convincing yourself that that is the kind of imperfect person you are - you can't help it etc
Ahahaha nope you are not that person and you can do better so put in the effort
Running out of reasons to stay alive

Can't shake this sadness

How much yellow will it take to forgive myself.

Coming out story

Buddies. I'm not straight. My mom knows. She's okay with it. She loves me.


It was not always this way.

In a time of panic and haste, on May 8, 2017, I came out to my mother as pansexual. It did not go well. She was devastated and asked the universe "why me" and asked me to change. She asked me to break up with my girlfriend and for the sake of the family, become straight. She believed it was a choice I could make. She called it a phase. She called me abnormal and felt disgusted and horrified. She could "only understand that something had gone terribly wrong".  She cried through the night. I stopped digesting food. We stopped talking. I claimed to have broken up with my girlfriend to shut her up and get her off my case. I asked that I be left alone while I get over it. She thought I was trying to get over the break up. I was trying to get over being called…

Jalebi Slam

I bought jalebis from a mithai store today, a mithai store - not a roadside cart - because my mother feels it is safer this way.

For six months after we came to India my mother boiled Aquaguard water so it would be safe enough for us to drink. For all of my life in Aurangabad - more than 12 years if we're counting my college vacations - my mother made pani puri at home from scratch so we wouldn't contract water-borne diseases.

For all our years in India since my parents returned from dad's chemo my mother would wake us 25 minutes too early, even when sleep was more precious to her than it was to us, even though the school bus for 8:45 AM class came to our stop at 7:20 - which is no time to even be awake if you ask my sister - to feed us "real" breakfast in addition to an unnecessarily tall glass of milk before school,
everyday, so she could give us enough fuel to last until recess and sustain our growing bodies through puberty.

My mother made cream spinach and b…

The Green Agenda

Growing up, my personal experience with environment conservation efforts, coupled with acute egocentrism, led me to believe that everyone else had had my eco-conscious upbringing, that everyone had a biogas unit, a compost pit, saplings and a home garden, solar heating, rainwater harvesting, a waste segregation system, a laundry timetable and a reduce-reuse-recycle habit in their homes. Imagine my culture shock when I moved to C.L. Layout in Bangalore for my B.A. degree. Solar heating is a rarity, waste restriction and segregation were unheard of, and eating out daily is the norm. It is not as much a matter of negligence as it is of convenience. I took no time to develop these errant habits, and it showed – my room began to exist as a mess, my skin broke out in pimples that I thought I was rid of, and my already delicate constitution was further endangered by takeaway McDonald’s and parcelled paneer rolls. I saved time. I saved money. I was always instantly gratified. I spent my days …