Posts

contempt

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people who've been married for any amount of time need to be showing us what love looks like
they should be smiling at each other and laughing at each other's jokes not making jokes at each other's expense, they should hold hands and make beautiful homes full of pictures and paintings and candles, they should plant roses if they can - or cacti - they should share lives not rooms

they should not live their lives handcuffed to each other, skirting conversation and confrontation, running in circles from the truth of having missed out-of having sold out-of never searching-of it never having even been an option

They should be celebrating their children's relationships, they should be rooting for their happiness, they should be ambassadors of the institution that claims it stands for love and mutual support but looks like systemic social content and tax breaks
like quiet houses when the kids have left, like jokes about husbands installing Blue Whale in their wives' phone…

angsty breakup post

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April 2018

It's been a tough few days, weeks, months, year(s?) since I
found you and started losing you before I even had you I've
gotten sicker and heavier and heavier and heavier and most days I
can't tell sadness and gravity apart
I've let bottles of cheap alcohol and boxes of menthol cigarettes come and go
before I could let you go
let us go
Let me go you bitch 


February 2018

Do I miss you or the feelings? Fuzzy ones, warm ones, like my grey socks but not grey - actually, give me the grey I'd rather not feel anything at all than the deep and unrelenting sadness of being alive

Figures, grey is your favorite color.
 ⚪

March 2018

Why do I keep coming back to you like a
-a stuck anchor? you're still my only point of reference I know nothing else and I can't progress
Like driving 8030 km with the handbrake on-
I made it, but does anything work anymore? 


January 2018

I'm still here in these grey sheets I bought to remind me of you so of course they…

Dream Girl

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your love is a sweet vortex and I'm free falling out of reality
I speak my honest lies
As long as we can keep up the pretence your glitter laugh is my momentary truth sweet pirate-breath pixie

You know how Disney songs have that mental scale change, 
and chimes and birdsong and falling petals in the background? Mae sounds like that.  Like sparkly things. Like dust glinting in sunlight.  Looks like it, too - she's got this lotion with glitter in it, and it makes her smell like a bakery -  so when she's talking to you  or listening to your mundane, unimportant, decidedly drab stories with absolute, undivided attention,  leaning in, eyes wide, she looks edible.
Like the perfect pastel cupcake of Disneyland dreams: beautifully put together, wrapped in fancy handcrafted paper, tied together with some nonsensically cute bow tiny hand-cut sugar stars and hearts sprinkled artfully over flawless frosting
Perfect structure, perfect height, perfect contour, perfect highlight, perfect magi…

Jalebi Slam

I bought jalebis from a mithai store today, a mithai store - not a roadside cart - because my mother feels it is safer this way.

For six months after we came to India my mother boiled Aquaguard water so it would be safe enough for us to drink. For all of my life in Aurangabad - more than 12 years if we're counting my college vacations - my mother made pani puri at home from scratch so we wouldn't contract water-borne diseases.

For all our years in India since my parents returned from dad's chemo my mother would wake us 25 minutes too early, even when sleep was more precious to her than it was to us, even though the school bus for 8:45 AM class came to our stop at 7:20 - which is no time to even be awake if you ask my sister - to feed us "real" breakfast in addition to an unnecessarily tall glass of milk before school,
everyday, so she could give us enough fuel to last until recess and sustain our growing bodies through puberty.

My mother made cream spinach and b…

The Green Agenda

Growing up, my personal experience with environment conservation efforts, coupled with acute egocentrism, led me to believe that everyone else had had my eco-conscious upbringing, that everyone had a biogas unit, a compost pit, saplings and a home garden, solar heating, rainwater harvesting, a waste segregation system, a laundry timetable and a reduce-reuse-recycle habit in their homes. Imagine my culture shock when I moved to C.L. Layout in Bangalore for my B.A. degree. Solar heating is a rarity, waste restriction and segregation were unheard of, and eating out daily is the norm. It is not as much a matter of negligence as it is of convenience. I took no time to develop these errant habits, and it showed – my room began to exist as a mess, my skin broke out in pimples that I thought I was rid of, and my already delicate constitution was further endangered by takeaway McDonald’s and parcelled paneer rolls. I saved time. I saved money. I was always instantly gratified. I spent my days …

~xo~

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They say you need to love yourself before you can love another
My Warrior Princess of Badassery Two similar pieces of a jigsaw puzzle never fit just right with each other And if you and I are similarly odd similarly flat similarly skinny little pieces of a puzzle in hobo pants, war paint and Samurai hair At least I know that we are two ill-fated, slightly banged up irregular pieces of the same puzzle. And I love you regardless - I am almost glad I can't not.
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"It is hard to stop loving the ocean"

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I've washed you out of the clothes I took back from your apartment But the smell still lingers In the air You still linger In the breeze in my hair In that canvas still bare In the colors I do not wear Anymore.
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Your love is a sweet vortex and I'm free falling out of reality
I speak my honest lies
As long as we can keep up the pretense your glitter laugh is my momentary truth sweet pirate-breath pixie
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I was not made for winter - 
I was not made for your song and dance
For love, and sparkly lights,
And…

#ArtStudent

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Heyy everybody!

Yesterday a government official put me in a box (which I didn't even notice until my brother pointed out the giant ribbon on my head) and I'm still somewhat disturbed, so let me address this unruly tenant of the bed and breakfast that is my brain and get closure so I can focus on more important things to stress about, like not going to prison this academic year. #optimismingthru

Let us begin. We had some work in the passport department so my brother can enter and inhabit his CalTech mothership without any trouble, and the cop lady asked us some smart alecky questions about our citizenship and residence, and then the procedural questions about our age and where we're educating ourselves and my sister is a 23-year-old engineer and my brother is an 18-year-old future scientist and she asks me what I do and my mother, my brother and I answer at the same time saying "Bangalore madhye BA kartiye" (doing BA in Bangalore) and "English Literature&quo…